More Than a Fuzzy Feeling

    Ever since the time of my re-dedication of my life to the Lord, almost two years ago by now, I've been struggling to know how to hear him. My brothers and sisters in Christ would tell me about how they were "talking to God" and how he "told them what to do" in whatever situation they were in.
    Secretly, I didn't know what in the heck they were talking about. Sure, I felt the Holy Spirit-I felt my Advocate, Comfortor, and Companion often, in fact. But that was about the extent of my dialogue with God. Straight-up GOD, the majestic, loving, beautiful, forgiving one, was still a little too far away from me to simply have a conversation with. Not because I didn't feel like he was listening (God often received/receives the wonderful gift of listening to me rant), but because I didn't hear anything in return.
    My best friend told me about how she heard him telling her what to do; the preacher in a book I read testified to hearing the Lord's voice responding every time he spoke to him; another friend made the comment while we were talking about this very subject, 'Prayer is always a conversation for me.'
    That left me with expectations. "God, talk to me like you talk to this person." "God, talk to me like you talk to that person." "God, talk to me like I  want you to." Nothing. Of course, at that time, I didn't realize that I was putting God into a box.
    In hindsight, I'm so glad that he refused to get into that box.
    Fast forward to a couple weeks ago.  It hit me one day that those last ten minutes before you go to bed- you know, the time when you're really sleepy and your heart's desire is to settle back on your comfy pillows and give in to the waves of weariness trying to overcome you-were not enough of a time frame for me to talk to the Lord, and it DEFINITELY wasn't enough time for him to talk to me. I had, up until that point, just figured that he, being omniscient and everything, had already seen everything that was happening in my life and if he wanted to advise me about it, he could. But I hadn't allowed myself enough time to listen. I decided that I didn't want to-COULDN'T-avoid the subject any longer, and set aside a daily time that I could talk to God.
    With this change set, I got into the routine of getting home from school and going directly (or almost directly; often I would get sidetracked) to my room, sitting in my pink fluffy bowl chair, reading my long passage of Scripture for the day, worshiping, searching for the hidden nuances of the Christian music on my iPod, and most importantly, listening, "being still and knowing that he is God". Sometimes I would get frustrated at God's lack of tangible speech. Every time, though, he would comfort me-alas, without audible words-and let me know that he was there and listening to everything that I had to say. And that had to be enough.
    And then last night, something shifted. It was one of those revelation moments, where you're like 'OH. Duh, why didn't I  think of that?' I finally figured out that God talks to each of us in different ways. REVELATION: he can use your thoughts.
    Have you ever speculated that since God created you, God is the one who puts your thoughts in your head, that HE is the one who brings up specific thoughts at specific times?
    In a way, that may seem kind of invasive-where am I supposed to go to be really alone when God's putting my THOUGHTS in my brain?
    But it's also wonderful, in that God can speak to me in such a deeply personal and usually protected part of my life. I don't let many people see the real Sarah. But God sees the real me, even MADE the real me, and uses the real me to communicate his ways to me. Isn't that awesome?
    And I figured out (did I figure it out? Or did God provide me with the logic that I supposed was just me being clever?) that God is more than a fuzzy feeling, more than the heart wiggle that means the Holy Spirit is moving in us. God is someone who speaks in emotions, it's true, but sometimes he speaks to us, yet doesn't bring us to tears. And you know what? That kinda-outta-the-box, yet wonderful conversation, through thoughts, is more than enough.