In Honor of Holy Toothpaste

    When I'm in a bad mood, most likely, I don't have any reason whatsoever to be so. I mean seriously, usually nothing bad has happened, no one has yelled at me or hurt my feelings in any way. I just so happen to be in a terrible mood.
    This was the case last Thursday. I had a day off of school, so in the morning, I was pretty excited about having an unexpected sabbath that I hardly ever get to have, what with school work, afterschool band practice, keeping up relationships. And at first, it was fairly nice, just lazing around the house for the day.
    But then, I got insanely bored. And Sarah does not deal well with boredom; I'm restless and full of energy without being able to think about what I want to do. I actually ended up crying out of frustration.
      So there I was, laying on my bed upside down, crying out of boredom, frustration, confusion, and other feelings I don't even have words to describe. All through this little episode, I was trying to figure out why I was feeling so very bad, attempting to place comforting words into God's mouth that would make me feel better. But I ended up trying to comfort myself and figure out how joy worked and all of these hardcore issues, and that just made my brain go even more crazy. I was having a legit problem with "being still and knowing that he is God".
    (Yes, I know, this post has been kind of whiny so far. But I promise, there is a point to this story!) 
    After several torturing minutes of all of these feelings and thoughts swirling around in my brain like a merry-go-round, God finally did speak to me. He said..."Go brush your teeth."
    Okay, God, you are nuts! I'm trying to figure out some serious issue about trust and joy and thankfulness, and you're telling me to go brush my TEETH? At that point, however, I was so desperate to feel better that I just did what he told me to do.
    Brush brush brush, breathe breathe breathe, be still still still. It was so easy to focus on those three simple tasks that my dizzying merry-go-round thoughts slowed down and gave me a break.
    I'm pretty sure that I used some holy toothpaste (Crest with Scope Outlast for anyone who might be wondering), because God spoke right to me somewhere in the middle of all that. He said, "Sarah, you can't try to process everything yourself and figure it out logically, and then claim that I did it. You've got to shut up and listen to what I have to say. That's the only way that your words will be clean and pure, because MY words are clean and pure."
    WHOA. You know that God is taking over your life when he gives you revelations over toothpaste.
    Since this event of brushing teeth, I've been listening more and more to what God is saying instead of saying what I want to say. And you know what? Friday, Saturday, and today have been completely amazing. I am at peace about everything I have done throughout these three days, because I asked God first what I needed to do, and I did it with joyful, clean hands. He, and only he, has purifies the words of my mouth and the works of my hands. I couldn't be happier.

"Give us clean hands
Give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh, God, let us be
A generation that seeks
That seeks your face
Oh God of Jacob."

Asking

"For your nearness, Lord, I hunger.
For your nearness, Lord, I wait.
Hold me ever closer, Father
With such a love I can't escape.


For your nearness I am hoping.
For your nearness, Lord, I long.
I have no need of any other;
I have found where I belong!


So draw me nearer, Lord;
Never let me go!
Closer to your heart,
Just draw me nearer, Lord."


    At a first glance, Draw Me Nearer by Meredith Andrews doesn't seem like the kind of song that could wreck you.
    Believe me. It does.
    When I first heard this song, I automatically loved it. I mean, who wouldn't? Meredith Andrews is kind of amazing. It helped me be grateful for the nearness of MY Jesus. To have an intimate relationship with him, to hear him whisper in my ear just when I need it...it's pretty awesome.
    But. Being near to Jesus? Not always a picnic. I am called out to talk to people I don't even KNOW to tell them about him. Whaaaaaat? He yanks me, somehow gently, out of my comfort zone. He makes me fall in love with him, which makes me fall in love with other people, which ends up with a squished heart. I liked my heart when it was whole and I didn't have to put it out on the line for anyone to come along and stomp on. That whole "taking up your cross" thing is much harder than I would have anticipated.
    However, there is wholeness in my brokenness. I still have not really figured out how, but when I'm crying my eyes out, I am somehow pulled up out of my ugly pit and cradled in my Father's arms. When I straight up tell God, "I physically cannot do this", I find that I can.
    I guess it's the humility that I need to get a hold of. I've always been very good at whatever I do. I am great at owning the illusion of control. But I, Sarah, can't do anything that he calls me to do. I have to learn how to become nothing so he can fill me up to be everything.
    Asking God to draw nearer to me is a dangerous request. I'm daring to ask.


"Where you are is where I'm home...there's nowhere else I'd rather be."