You Are So Much More Than All Of This

    Rather painful realization: Just because I'm putting my entire self into loving everyone doesn't mean that the people that I am ministering to won't be mean.
    I mean, some of the stuff that I hear people say about each other is just awful. I don't have a clue how you can say something so terrible and hurtful about another human being, to their face, behind their back, at any time! Whenever I hear gossip or people putting each other down, I just sit there and think, "That is a beautiful child of the Lord. How in the world can you think that, let alone say it loud enough for anyone to hear?"
    I know, I can't expect everyone to have the same convictions as I do or realize that they're doing wrong, but seriously? Come on now, get into Jesus love and stop putting energy into stomping on other people's emotions.
    At one point on this Friday, I had to go somewhere to be by myself. What I heard coming out of mouths was so narrow-minded and hateful that I couldn't bear to listen to it. Worse, they were laughing about it, enjoying simmering in their horrid words.
     I stood outside, feeling the cool breeze, looking at the beautiful sunset, and cried. I know now that God has allowed my eyes and ears to be connected right to his heart: It hurt so bad, the insulting jokes that they were making, and they weren't even about me! If that's how it feels to be compassionate to someone who's being made fun of, how does it feel to God when he watches his beautiful children (Ecclesiastes 3:11) killing each other? 
    Fortunately, God takes moments of my brokenness to blow me up with HIM.
    On the way back from a band competition, we stopped to eat at Western Sizzlin'. In the middle of us laughing, talking, a man busted up in the room that the forty or so of us were sitting and loudly informed everyone that Jesus had literally saved his life and that he was walking with the Lord that day. I clapped along with everyone else, but since I didn't catch everything that he said, I, along with several of the other band members, went over to his table to ask him to give us his testimony. Man, was it a testimony! This guy had been called by the Lord about 6 years ago to leave EVERYTHING that he had, his family, his job, everything...to ride around in a trailer with Jesus painted on it, witnessing to everyone he comes into contact with. He just shows up wherever the Lord leads him to go and tells people about Jesus. That blows my mind! It attests to the Lord's faithfulness that he called this normal guy out to do something so completely insane and stick with him through it. Not only that, it confirms how much God cares for me that he would orchestrate this huge encouragement on the day that I felt so far away from him. Gathered around an ordinary table at an ordinary restaurant, many of us were so overcome with everything He is that we cried together! How amazing is that!
    On the two and a half hour drive back, me and God had some alone time. I have to admit, there were tears and anger (from me, of course). But, God simply asked me a question: "Sarah, don't you think that I'm bigger than all of this? Against these gossipers, these feelings, this sense of disconnect, even Satan, I have already won!"

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own."                             
                                  -Philippians 3:12

In Honor of Holy Toothpaste

    When I'm in a bad mood, most likely, I don't have any reason whatsoever to be so. I mean seriously, usually nothing bad has happened, no one has yelled at me or hurt my feelings in any way. I just so happen to be in a terrible mood.
    This was the case last Thursday. I had a day off of school, so in the morning, I was pretty excited about having an unexpected sabbath that I hardly ever get to have, what with school work, afterschool band practice, keeping up relationships. And at first, it was fairly nice, just lazing around the house for the day.
    But then, I got insanely bored. And Sarah does not deal well with boredom; I'm restless and full of energy without being able to think about what I want to do. I actually ended up crying out of frustration.
      So there I was, laying on my bed upside down, crying out of boredom, frustration, confusion, and other feelings I don't even have words to describe. All through this little episode, I was trying to figure out why I was feeling so very bad, attempting to place comforting words into God's mouth that would make me feel better. But I ended up trying to comfort myself and figure out how joy worked and all of these hardcore issues, and that just made my brain go even more crazy. I was having a legit problem with "being still and knowing that he is God".
    (Yes, I know, this post has been kind of whiny so far. But I promise, there is a point to this story!) 
    After several torturing minutes of all of these feelings and thoughts swirling around in my brain like a merry-go-round, God finally did speak to me. He said..."Go brush your teeth."
    Okay, God, you are nuts! I'm trying to figure out some serious issue about trust and joy and thankfulness, and you're telling me to go brush my TEETH? At that point, however, I was so desperate to feel better that I just did what he told me to do.
    Brush brush brush, breathe breathe breathe, be still still still. It was so easy to focus on those three simple tasks that my dizzying merry-go-round thoughts slowed down and gave me a break.
    I'm pretty sure that I used some holy toothpaste (Crest with Scope Outlast for anyone who might be wondering), because God spoke right to me somewhere in the middle of all that. He said, "Sarah, you can't try to process everything yourself and figure it out logically, and then claim that I did it. You've got to shut up and listen to what I have to say. That's the only way that your words will be clean and pure, because MY words are clean and pure."
    WHOA. You know that God is taking over your life when he gives you revelations over toothpaste.
    Since this event of brushing teeth, I've been listening more and more to what God is saying instead of saying what I want to say. And you know what? Friday, Saturday, and today have been completely amazing. I am at peace about everything I have done throughout these three days, because I asked God first what I needed to do, and I did it with joyful, clean hands. He, and only he, has purifies the words of my mouth and the works of my hands. I couldn't be happier.

"Give us clean hands
Give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh, God, let us be
A generation that seeks
That seeks your face
Oh God of Jacob."

Asking

"For your nearness, Lord, I hunger.
For your nearness, Lord, I wait.
Hold me ever closer, Father
With such a love I can't escape.


For your nearness I am hoping.
For your nearness, Lord, I long.
I have no need of any other;
I have found where I belong!


So draw me nearer, Lord;
Never let me go!
Closer to your heart,
Just draw me nearer, Lord."


    At a first glance, Draw Me Nearer by Meredith Andrews doesn't seem like the kind of song that could wreck you.
    Believe me. It does.
    When I first heard this song, I automatically loved it. I mean, who wouldn't? Meredith Andrews is kind of amazing. It helped me be grateful for the nearness of MY Jesus. To have an intimate relationship with him, to hear him whisper in my ear just when I need it...it's pretty awesome.
    But. Being near to Jesus? Not always a picnic. I am called out to talk to people I don't even KNOW to tell them about him. Whaaaaaat? He yanks me, somehow gently, out of my comfort zone. He makes me fall in love with him, which makes me fall in love with other people, which ends up with a squished heart. I liked my heart when it was whole and I didn't have to put it out on the line for anyone to come along and stomp on. That whole "taking up your cross" thing is much harder than I would have anticipated.
    However, there is wholeness in my brokenness. I still have not really figured out how, but when I'm crying my eyes out, I am somehow pulled up out of my ugly pit and cradled in my Father's arms. When I straight up tell God, "I physically cannot do this", I find that I can.
    I guess it's the humility that I need to get a hold of. I've always been very good at whatever I do. I am great at owning the illusion of control. But I, Sarah, can't do anything that he calls me to do. I have to learn how to become nothing so he can fill me up to be everything.
    Asking God to draw nearer to me is a dangerous request. I'm daring to ask.


"Where you are is where I'm home...there's nowhere else I'd rather be."

One More.

    I always thought that to be on the mission field, you had to be in a different country, or working with a ministry, or serving food to someone that had none, or praying with someone. I always connected the term "missions" to having incredible experiences all the time.
    Now I know. That's not the case.
    To be on the mission field is to put yourself completely out there. And that doesn't always giving you unicorns and rainbows or a fluffy feeling in your heart.
    Not to say that those fluffy feelings where you just KNOW that you've served the Lord to someone that day aren't real.
    But the pain, irritation, anger, frustration, loneliness is so real, too.
    To be on the mission field is to learn to love people that physically cannot love you back. That hurts.
    To be on the mission field is to love those people that hate you. And when you do love them, when your heart reaches out to them, that gives them power to harm you. They may not even do it on intentionally. But you see them choosing the path that turns them away from the one who loves them the most. Your heart breaks with compassion. You cry for them often, because you know that no matter how much you love them and try to show it to them, you can't make their choices for them. That hurts. A lot.
    To be on the mission field is to want to lash out in irritation when someone gets under your skin, but can't because that's not the way to show love. That is some kind of trial.
    To be on the mission field is to feel as if nothing that you're doing is making any kind of difference. You serve and serve and love and love and pray and pray and see nothing changing. That's frustrating.
    To be on the mission field is to feel completely alone at times. You've built up a team that you know has your back, but they can't be with you to experience everything. You are forced to rely on God in every situation. That's so hard, because when you're right in the thick of everyday goings-ons, you don't have time to sit there and listen to what God tells you to do. There are moments when you even feel abandoned by God when you don't know what to say. That's scary.
    To be on the mission field is to tear down every concept of "normal" that you've built for yourself your entire life and start living the way that Jesus calls you to.
    My mission field? High school. Yikes. Sometimes, I wish I could just love on some orphans. At least they hug you back.
    BUT. I know that I can't go back to who I once was. Even though this life that I've chosen is a million times harder than it would be if I were to just be a normal 15 year old girl, it's so much more fulfilling. I own the freedom that my classmates have not even experienced. I know how it is to let go completely. I am able to be filled up by love so deep that it brings me to tears to get just a taste. I have total confidence in the Lord's plans for my life. I have no idea what I need to do with my life, this year, even tomorrow. But I am positive that it will be shown to me, and that plan will be so much bigger than I could have ever come up with on my own.
    More than that, it is an honor to be chosen to be a light to the class of 2014. It is a privilege to pour love into my peers. I am planting the seeds that will be harvested 10, 15, 25 years from now. I will have affected someone's life, even if they don't know it right now. I will be someone that they will look back on when they're changed by the love of a Savior and say, "OH. THIS is what that weird Sarah girl was all about in high school."
    I remember all of this. That doesn't mean that I don't get discouraged a lot (every day...). But when I see transformations start with the people I have been pouring into, transformations that God has worked through me and all the ones that have poured into that one person, I am more than satisfied. One more has come to a relationship with their Creator. One more has experienced love in a new way. One more is chasing after their Lord.
    This is my mission field, right here in Mississippi. I don't have a ministry or a mission statement. But I have a calling and a God who gives me so much love that I have to pass it on. How can I not be a part of that?

Praying Small to Learn to Pray Big

    As I arrived at WeWillGo, I could already feel the prayerful presence. Crunching through rocks while the prayer went on with linked hands, I let out a happy sigh and felt my anticipation rise. For a beautiful half hour, the one hundred or so of us gathered came before God, truly "putting ourselves in the offering plate."
    After the last amen, we received instructions, divided up into groups, accepted a handful of chapters to read from the Holy Book, were handed a sheet with specific prayers to pray, and got sent out to the streets of Jackson, Mississippi.
    Okay, explanation time. The idea was to read the entire Bible in an hour, to this city where you can physically see the need for the Word. Honestly, I was a little bit hesitant when I first heard what I was going to be doing. I mean, reading the Bible when no one was listening? Reading the Bible when people driving by stopped to listen? That's pretty out-of-the-box stuff for this little white girl who quite enjoys The Box.
    But when I got myself situated on the side of a nearly empty road, took a preparation breath and started reading from Jeremiah, my words took on a power that I KNEW did not belong to me. The meaning behind the words that I was reading didn't matter too much to me. Just reading them was a cup of cold water not only for my spirit, but the city as well. I imagined the words reaching from Lamar Street up to the skies and blossoming, spreading far over the city, covering it with the love of Christ, changing as it bloomed.
   After a while, I handed off my worn pink and brown Bible, and started walking up and down the cracked asphalt, looking at abandoned, broken down houses. Growing up in "good" neighborhoods, I had never seen these sorts of buildings before: ones with burn marks on the ceilings from fires that homeless people had set inside the house to get warm; ones that had broken windows; ones that had overgrown lawns with beer bottles strewn all around; ones that quite possibly had been used for terrible acts of violence, prostitution, crack houses. Seeing them with my own eyes ingrained it into my brain: This really happens. This really happens a couple minutes from home. 
    But as I prayer walked, I began to see them with different, hopeful eyes. After all, the staff at WeWillGo has taken houses exactly like these and restored them into vessels for passing on the gift of grace. Why can't God reach down and redeem these, too?
    You see, he not only CAN. But he DOES.
    With the simple act of going out and babbling some written words on the street corners, many were blessed. People were stopped dead in their tracks by the word of the Lord; people heard the name of Jesus for the first time EVER; people learned how to pray; children stepped out of the protection of their parents into the eternal protection of their Father, to read and pray by themselves. The change was felt by all. 
    Coming back to the outdoors worship center, I was dared to pray bigger. Don't just pray for that house; pray for the street. Pray for Jackson. Pray for Rankin County. Pray for Mississippi. Pray for America. Pray for the world. Pray that God will save the whole thing!
    And he will.

You Know You're On The Short Term Mission Field When...

A little background:
This past week, I was blessed with the opportunity to go to Base Camp. This camp, operated out of a local church, gives youth the opportunity to go out into their community doing mission work. There were several different teams: Construction, Yard Work, Assisted Living, Critical Needs (who saw to making sure all of the teams had food to eat during the day, Journey (I'm really not sure what they did), Inner City Day Camp, and Hispanic Day Camp, which is where I was placed. The entire camp was so alive! We really felt like we were being the hands and feet of Jesus, getting out there and actually DOING something. I'm so grateful to have had this experience.

 Now. You know you're on the short term mission field when....

• Your eyes are opened to needs that you didn't even know existed
• The little things (smiles with teeth full of cavities, hugs, kisses, random dance parties) are the things that make your day-heck, your entire WEEK!
• There are about three little Hispanic kids that you wish you could adopt
• You wish that you could play with every kid at day camp, but the Lord calls you specifically to pour love into only a couple
• You're a little surprised when some black kids show up too, but you just figure that they need the love of Jesus just as much as the Hispanic kids do, so you love on them too.
• When the week starts, you're nervous about the language barrier
• But as time goes on, you find out that love is the universal language!
• Plus, you find a couple of kids who can speak Spanish and English, and they can act as your mini-translators. 
• You grow close to the people on your team who love the kids just as much as you do
• Seeing that you've put a smile on a child's face is the best feeling EVER
• On waterslide day, 8 kids come up to you at once saying, "Will you go with me? Please?" 
• You think speaking English in a funny accent will make the kids understand it. Yeah, no...
• During response time at worship, you write letters to some prisoners.
• You later find out that you wrote them to the prisoners at the jail right behind the park that you've been doing day camp at. How's that for the Lord's plan?
• When you're tired out, you have to remind yourself, "Hey, I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing this for THEM and HIM."
• You NEED worship every night so you can recharge
• You somehow, incredibly, get the chance to share the Gospel with some kids, one on one.
• You are amazed at how much stuff you can do in one day, and wonder how in the world you can just sit around the house all day back home
• Prayer is essential
• Battle scars: ant bites, sunburns, face paint in a glob on your arm, sore muscles from picking up children, a smile as big as the sun, and a heart softened by their innocence
• Your heart is broken when you learn that your kids know where the gangs fight and drink, and realize that they live with that every day
• There's that one kid that just wants to pick a fight. You need to love on him just as much.
• Somehow, 5 hours of sleep is enough to keep on going
• You hear a thousand stories of how small things like cleaning out a refrigerator have shown the love of Christ in the most powerful way.
• The Lord sends you people to laugh with, cry with, lean on
• You do crazy things, like get up in front of 150 people and dance like you've gone insane! (That was a serious lesson in obedience.)
• You're experiencing so much that you don't even have time to think!
• You fall in love with your kids and wish you didn't live two hours away.
• Making Kool-Aid is an art.
• When you get home, you have strep, pink eye, and a head cold. Not a coincidence. Totally worth it for being able to love on them for a couple days.
• You're so pumped up that you hate that hour of dead time
• You feel compassion for the most unexpected people
• Being by yourself is a curse and a delight: There are those times when you feel lonely. But when you do feel alone, you are forced to rely on the Lord, making you learn that he's the best friend you're ever going to have.
• Three and a half days are enough to know that you want to be a missionary for life.

You Know When You're About To Move When....

• You constantly feel the overwhelming urge to take a nap
• Every time someone asks you what you're doing the following day, you respond "packing". EVERY TIME.
• You've been offered by everyone you know to come live at their house instead of moving
• You try to avoid actually working at all costs. After all, watching a movie at a friend's house is VERY important.
• You wonder how after five hours of throwing stuff into boxes you've barely made a dent
• You are little miss responsible and make a packing schedule, then get so far behind that you throw it out and make it up as you go along
• You find stuff in your garage that you haven't touched or thought about in four years and say, "Why in the WORLD do I have this?"
• You get used to the phrase, "Check that box for roaches."
• Then scream as 6 or 7 of the aforementioned critters scurry out of the box that you're holding
• You absolutely LOVE the trash can
• You become a master at all things tape-like
• You feel strange when you go into your room and see that there is nothing in it
• You learn to hate stuff
• ^^ So, you make resolutions to have no stuff in your future house
• Your life somehow fits into a 26'x10' box
• You regret all of those spring cleaning seasons that have gone by without cleaning out ANYTHING
• You estimate how long you think it will take you to finish a room, then quadruple it
• Your family alone supplies the garage sale that your church is putting together
• When you try to trash unfinished homework from fourth grade, your friends say things like, "You're throwing away your childhood!"
• You start to cook something, then realize that you've packed away all of your pots, pans, and dishes
• You feel bad because people find out that you're moving when you mention it in a casual conversation
• You learn to eat only sandwiches and fast food
• Crying every day from stress is a normal occurance
• You learn the absolute truth that one day makes a difference
• You're infinitely grateful for those crazy enough to willingly endure the torture with you
• You call your friends after a long day and whine about how terrible it is
• You don't realize how awesome your church is until it's your last Sunday and you're sobbing on the shoulders of every member
• You finally get resigned to the idea of leaving
• Then, you finally look out the window and see the beautiful blues, lavenders, canary yellows, golds, and burnt oranges, and realize that God was carrying you through all of that. And you remember that he still does care that you're tired and stressed. And you remember that he has something huge in store for you in the new place that you'll be living. And that's pretty awesome.

I'm Tired of Being a Grump

    When I got out of school 3 and a half weeks ago, I was so excited that I would have a couple of weeks to simply sit under a tree, on my couch, in my room the entire day, thinking, reading, writing, listening to music, praying, watching a movie, anything I wanted to. After the entire school year of always having something that I HAD to do, peace sounded really, really nice. And it was, for about 2 and a half weeks. I genuinely enjoyed not doing anything, feeling no pressure to do something, hang out with someone.
    Then, a week ago, the grumps settled in. I got bored with all the reading, thinking, writing, listening to music, prayer, watching of movies. I wanted to do something, but couldn't because a) I can't drive, b) I'm busy packing for my family's upcoming move, c) my best friend is still in Thailand and isn't exactly available to hang out with, and d) I don't make plans ahead of time, and end up sitting around all day even if I don't want to. It has gotten so frustrating!
    Have you ever gotten to the point where you're so frustrated or angry or upset that you don't WANT to allow yourself to feel better? No? Just me?
    I'm generally a happy person, but when I'm in a bad mood, I block myself from doing anything to feel better. Often, I know exactly what will put me in a better mood (usually it's having God time), but don't want to because I just want to be grumpy. How strange is that? I guess I figure that "I have the right to be mad if I want to" or something like that.
    In hindsight, that's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Why in the world would you WANT to be in a bad mood?
    Like yesterday. I was grumpin' it up big time. But when I got to the worship service that my parents took me to, the singers started singing this song called Laugh Laugh Laugh by Big Momma Thornton.

"Laugh, laugh, laugh and be happy
Laugh, laugh, laugh and be gay
Laugh and your blues will vanish!
Laugh while you may!"

    When they started singing a song about laughing, of all things, I couldn't help but roll my eyes goodnaturedly, and let the Lord get into my heart and give me an attitude of laughter. Compared with how I felt on the drive, that was the best feeling in the world!
    I guess the moral of this story is that God will make you feel better if you just let him. That doesn't mean that you completely forget about the things that make you grumpy. (brothers, for instance...) It just means that he'll help you figure out your feelings, clear out your heart, and allow you to move on to greater things.

    My resolution: don't hang on to being a grump; rather, be thankful and happy in all situations. I want to embody what Paul said in Philippians 4:11-13 "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, where well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." I hope to learn how to say in my heart, "I have learned how to be content always, grumpy or not, because the Lord has given me the strength to do so."

Let My Cup (or maybe Coke bottle?) Overflow.

    I am loving being a crew leader at my church's VBS. Where else do you get to have tight hugs (I'm talking bone breaking tight-these girls are stronger than you'd thing), dancing, spinning, playing Simon Says in the hallway, doing arts and crafts, playing games with water, sand, and kitchen utensils, talking raccoons, goldfish, singing, and, of course, learning more about God EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT?
    I love my girls so very much. I have to admit, when my fellow crew leader didn't show up tonight, I was a little bit worried about being in charge of 7 girls by myself-I'm only 14, after all. But it really turned out great! I love seeing the looks on their faces when they learn something new at Shake It Up Cafe. I did have to break up some arguments, but it doesn't take a long time of being goofy, or just talking with them, to stick a smile back on their face.
    Oh, and what would VBS be without random discussions of the separation of church and state during storytelling? And the discovery that Jewish and Christian are not the same thing? And the spinning of eggs? And, of course, PAINT?
    I just love children. My friend Lauren started a devotion at the lower elementary school this year, and asked me to help her out. That has been such a blessing as well. Hannah, Abby, Makayla, Ivy, Kayden, Mackensie, Aimee, Isabella, AJ, Camron, Keely, Hannah Grace, Daniel, Grayson-just SOME of my kids in both VBS and the devotion-all have a special place in my heart.
    Children are (most of the time...) so innocent and ready to learn, unlike adults and teenagers, who too often get defensive. They have something to teach me about having a child-like faith, the kind where the only thing that truly matters is the love that Jesus has for us, and everything else is secondary. I only hope that they will learn something from me too!
    My favorite activity this week has been a game where you have to fill up a 2 liter bottle with water until it overflows. It was supposed to symbolize the love of God, the kind that fills you up so much that you have to pass it on! This task reminds me of one of my favorite songs from camp:
(Oh fill my cup) Oh fill my cup and let it overflow!
(Oh fill my cup) Oh fill my cup and let it overflow!
(Oh fill my cu-u-u-up) Oh fill my cup and let it overflow!
Let it overflow with love!
    The constant hugs and giggles that me and my girls share are great examples of the love that we need to take to the entire world.
    Just think: if we all got rid of the jealousy, anger, dishonesty, and hate, God would have so much room to pour in his love, so much that our hearts could overflow.

Oh yeah...Obedience is a good thing

    On Saturday, I went to a bruncheon with one of my friends. When I arrived, I went through the line and stacked my plate with breakfast casserole, fruit, muffins, Minute Maid berry punch. We played some rather silly, very corny, but oh-so-enjoyable games with the thirty or so ladies that were there. I wasn't expecting an encounter with God there (even though it was being held at a church....)
    And so, God decided to surprise me completely with a message from the guest speaker.
   Her name was Jennifer, who is an intern at We Will Go Ministries. We Will Go is a lovely place in downtown Jackson, MS that reaches out to the homeless all around the state capitol. (www.wewillgo.org) I was introduced to the ministry by my best friend and her family. From the first time that I set foot in the outside worship center, I fell in love with it. This love was confirmed when Miss Amy Lancaster, the woman who started We Will Go with her husband, stood up to welcome us. She is THE most godly woman I've ever met, real life or not. You can practically see God poking his head through her all the time, giving her (manymanymany) words to speak. She's not afraid: not afraid to literally stretch out on the floor, getting down on her face in the middle of worship because she's so overcome, not afraid to love everyone who's there, not afraid to order us to stop thinking that everything is awkward, not afraid to say what she's really thinking.  She begs consistently for Jesus to fill her with his love and fix her heart. She's the humblest person that I've ever met.
    And it's not just her. All of the interns and workers and people at We Will Go are so much led by the Lord. It's the best example of church that I've experienced. It has shown me the way I could live if I were fearless, because the Lord will never forsake me. Going there to serve just 6 or 7 times, I've had the opportunity to love people I don't know, pray for them, see love change lives, and enjoy the company of others searching for God everywhere they can, even seeking Jesus in a homeless person's eyes.
    (Sorry, I got a little sidetracked there. Can you see that I love being at We Will Go?) Jennifer talked about exactly what I needed, but not necessarily wanted to hear about: obedience.  
    I've never really been a rebellious person. I find the few rules that my parents have made for me to be completely reasonable. (I can hear the chant of "nerd, nerd, nerd...." start up now.) I do, however, rebel against God. I don't WANT to go talk to him when it's inconvenient for me or if I'm already busy with something else. I don't WANT to go pray for that person; what if they look at me funny? I don't WANT to love her, I just want to forget that she exists!
    But when it's convenient or I'm 'okay' with doing what God instructed me to, he just says, "Well, why didn't you do that when I told you to?"
    Obedience is not something that we as humans really like. We don't want to be told what to do. We like to feel in control of our own lives. Jennifer was there to tell me that I couldn't be in control of my own life if I wanted to truly belong to God. Ouch.
    I had been thinking about obedience a lot anyway. That day there was something that I needed to sort out, and I was begging for God to take over my mouth and say whatever would sort it out with the right amount of love. I needed him to say the thing that for the life of me, I could not figure out how to say. All of the examples Jennifer brought up, stories of neighbors downtown coming to her door at 11:30 PM to get some food, stories from the Bible, hit home with me. All of them had a common thread, too: When a person is obedient to what God wants them to do, it all comes out in their favor.
    The thing that I had to learn through this experience was that I need to be obedient all of the time. Not just when I can't figure out what to do myself, as was the case on Saturday, but also when I can see a way out on my own. Even then I still need to find out what God wants me to do. This lesson can apply to many things that I have been thinking about lately: going on a mission trip, going to camp, praying for my friends, praying for my ENEMIES; both things that I am desperate to do and things that I wish I wouldn't ever have to do.
    God does come through every single time that we rely on him. Obedience to God's will brings about a much better solution than we could have ever dreamed of. His plans aren't even close to what ours are, and they might not turn out the way that we expect, but it's gonna be worth it.

More Than a Fuzzy Feeling

    Ever since the time of my re-dedication of my life to the Lord, almost two years ago by now, I've been struggling to know how to hear him. My brothers and sisters in Christ would tell me about how they were "talking to God" and how he "told them what to do" in whatever situation they were in.
    Secretly, I didn't know what in the heck they were talking about. Sure, I felt the Holy Spirit-I felt my Advocate, Comfortor, and Companion often, in fact. But that was about the extent of my dialogue with God. Straight-up GOD, the majestic, loving, beautiful, forgiving one, was still a little too far away from me to simply have a conversation with. Not because I didn't feel like he was listening (God often received/receives the wonderful gift of listening to me rant), but because I didn't hear anything in return.
    My best friend told me about how she heard him telling her what to do; the preacher in a book I read testified to hearing the Lord's voice responding every time he spoke to him; another friend made the comment while we were talking about this very subject, 'Prayer is always a conversation for me.'
    That left me with expectations. "God, talk to me like you talk to this person." "God, talk to me like you talk to that person." "God, talk to me like I  want you to." Nothing. Of course, at that time, I didn't realize that I was putting God into a box.
    In hindsight, I'm so glad that he refused to get into that box.
    Fast forward to a couple weeks ago.  It hit me one day that those last ten minutes before you go to bed- you know, the time when you're really sleepy and your heart's desire is to settle back on your comfy pillows and give in to the waves of weariness trying to overcome you-were not enough of a time frame for me to talk to the Lord, and it DEFINITELY wasn't enough time for him to talk to me. I had, up until that point, just figured that he, being omniscient and everything, had already seen everything that was happening in my life and if he wanted to advise me about it, he could. But I hadn't allowed myself enough time to listen. I decided that I didn't want to-COULDN'T-avoid the subject any longer, and set aside a daily time that I could talk to God.
    With this change set, I got into the routine of getting home from school and going directly (or almost directly; often I would get sidetracked) to my room, sitting in my pink fluffy bowl chair, reading my long passage of Scripture for the day, worshiping, searching for the hidden nuances of the Christian music on my iPod, and most importantly, listening, "being still and knowing that he is God". Sometimes I would get frustrated at God's lack of tangible speech. Every time, though, he would comfort me-alas, without audible words-and let me know that he was there and listening to everything that I had to say. And that had to be enough.
    And then last night, something shifted. It was one of those revelation moments, where you're like 'OH. Duh, why didn't I  think of that?' I finally figured out that God talks to each of us in different ways. REVELATION: he can use your thoughts.
    Have you ever speculated that since God created you, God is the one who puts your thoughts in your head, that HE is the one who brings up specific thoughts at specific times?
    In a way, that may seem kind of invasive-where am I supposed to go to be really alone when God's putting my THOUGHTS in my brain?
    But it's also wonderful, in that God can speak to me in such a deeply personal and usually protected part of my life. I don't let many people see the real Sarah. But God sees the real me, even MADE the real me, and uses the real me to communicate his ways to me. Isn't that awesome?
    And I figured out (did I figure it out? Or did God provide me with the logic that I supposed was just me being clever?) that God is more than a fuzzy feeling, more than the heart wiggle that means the Holy Spirit is moving in us. God is someone who speaks in emotions, it's true, but sometimes he speaks to us, yet doesn't bring us to tears. And you know what? That kinda-outta-the-box, yet wonderful conversation, through thoughts, is more than enough.

Silence

    Today, my friend Natalie and I had a picnic together. We laughed, talked, goofed off, all of the normal things that teenagers do whilst hanging out with their friends. We also, contrary to the way teenagers and young people usually operate, simply lay there under our canopy of trees, saying nothing, and just enjoyed one another's company.
    This rarity of silence got me to thinking (when you're silent, there's a lot of time to think!). I started to think that elderly married couples have it right: Sometimes, there's no need to talk. Sometimes, there's nothing to say.
    Don't get me wrong! If you get me in the right mood, I will talk your ear off! I am often the one staying up until 4 o'clock in the morning talking to my best friends about whatever is going on in my life.  Sometimes, conversation is the only way to share your joys and troubles with one another.  Sometimes, conversation with one another is a wonderful way to bond with your companions. Sometimes, conversation is just fun, and is a great way to pass the time!
    But, on the flipside, abstaining from conversation can help you to enjoy the company of the people you love in a pure way. There are things that can be said in silence and glances and expressions that could never be said in words. Filling every quiet time in fear of "making it awkward" (in Natalie's words: What's the point of awkward? In my camp counselor's words: It's only awkward if you think it's awkward) can be detrimental in that you miss out from having meaningful, thoughtful conversation. If you're always struggling to say SOMETHING all of the time, you don't get to the real point of the conversation-you skirt around it with whatever comes to your mind to say first.
    Okay, Sarah, so now we know that silence when with other people can help you out. What now?
    Silence in the mind is something much harder to achieve than refraining from speaking. Have you ever just sat there and tried to calm all of the NOISE inside of you? For me, usually my brain is like traffic in Manhatten: thoughts like honks of horns, thoughts like the rhythmic stepping of feet, thoughts like harried conversation on your way to work, thoughts like the Subway rumbling on it's way, thoughts and thoughts and thoughts just bouncing around inside my head. To just STOP THINKING all of that STUFF is something that I have yet to master. However, in rare moments of pure, unspoiled silence, God speaks to me in a voice much too quiet for words. When I make a point to truly "Be still and know that He is God", I know exactly what God has been trying to tell me, deep in my bones. And THAT communication, through silence, as Natalie and I experienced on our picnic blanket as the world spun around us, has been one of the greatest gifts that I have had the pleasure to discover.

Refinding our LOVEly purpose in life

    The Rapture was proposed to happen today at 6:00 PM.
    Obviously, it didn't.
    Honestly, though the jibes about it, such as, "Either the Rapture wasn't set for today, or everyone in New Zealand is a heathen." are kind of funny. In fact, some of them are very funny, but I don't think that it's very Christianly of people to poke fun at this guy. Of course, it wasn't very Christianly of that guy to think that he knows more than Jesus did. But making fun of other people's beliefs has never been one of my favorite pastimes.
    Although he was incorrect about the time of our Lord's coming, (where does the Bible say 'the Rapture' anyway?) I appreciate his prediction. Confused? He was wrong, but there was, and always is, the possibility that Jesus will return right....now. It doesn't happen, so often times we forget that it ever will come about and begin to assume that we have become masters of time. This is not true, and I am glad that I have been reawakened to the fact, in a very elephant-in-the-roomish type of way, that we are not in control of our destinies.
    What, then, do we do? Since the world is going to be renewed at any moment, why do we put any effort into living? Why don't we, like the ones who were expecting Jesus to come again at 6 PM, May 21, 2011, stop the mail, quit our jobs, say our last goodbyes and sit and wait?
    Because we were made for NOW. There's no disputing that earth right now isn't so much like heaven-we think that more of the time it's like hell. But God gave us life for a reason; He wanted us to become who he created us to be-creatures in love with him-by our own will. He created us so we could spread his love to whoever we encounter. PEOPLE are what we're here for. Many of us wouldn't mind just stopping everything going on to hang out with God. But that's not what we were made to do down here. Right now, we need to take the love we have found in Jesus to everyone possible for us to reach. There are so many that need to be loved: the wonderful people I've met that are homeless, the ones who are looking down in the line to check out at Wal-Mart, our friends, our enemies, the children running around our backyards. We love them all, so that when the time comes for our Lord to redeem the world completely and forever, we will have so many of our brothers and sisters surrounding us, worshiping the Lord, as far as the eye can see! Won't it be beautiful?